NOTICE: This post does not contain any photos or other evidence that might be used in a criminal proceeding, that and of course for the defense of public decency.
The cruise brochures depict older couples, who are trim, athletic, rich and in their prime, at least as far as plastic surgery allows. The men have a touch of steely grey in their hair, but seem fit, slim and ready to dance until the moon sets. The women have no wrinkles, no wings of loose skin hanging under their arms, no need to lose another five pounds of flesh. And no one is actually old
These are the images of how we would love to see ourselves if it wasn’t for those damn mirrors. The reality is that cruises are voyages of the lame, obese, the hobbling, the whining, the incredibly wrinkled, and the monsters that we have become when our eyes were closed and time has snuck up on us.
The politic thing would be to say that real human beings are never pictured in advertising. Real human beings have flaws, wrinkles, medical conditions, fat, flab, and a loss of hair that unfortunately migrates to other less desirable locations. Unfortunately, there is reality.
When I was young, handsome and thin, Toni took a series of nude photos of me for a show she was having. My biggest embarrassment at that time was the attention of gay men. Today, I have a body shape that if seen in the light can instantly curdle any thoughts of sex, straight, gay and certainly autoerotic.
The real attraction of cruises is not the sights, the dancing, the art work or the smoke-filled casinos. It is the food. Lots of it and always available. 24 hours a day, seven days a week, brought to your stateroom if you can not longer walk.
The number of 300-pound people is always amazing. I think the cruise companies pay them to go on cruises just to allow other people to say, “See I am not that bad, yet.”
It reminds me of an old joke from Annie Hall. “Two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of ’em says, “Boy, the food at this place is really terrible.” The other one says, “Yeah, I know; and such small portions.”
The food is far from haute cuisine, although it certainly has pretentions. If they serve corn, it is corn with cream, renamed maïs à la crème. It is food to suit middle-class ideas of the good life if and only if you live in the Midwest and have only recently learned about pepper.
Of course, there are always small compensations. We were in an elevator with a Swiss couple that we had met at dinner. He looked at the elevator and proudly said that the elevator had been manufactured by a Swiss company call Schindler. After they got off at their floor, Toni remarked, “Ah, yes, Schindler’s Lift.”
As always, I’ve so enjoyed reading about your journeys. New Zealand looks to be fantastic! Can’t wait to hear more about the trip.
XX,
Carla